my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
