I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
