i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
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