For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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