it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Oh god it's open bar.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
