Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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