We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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