Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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