He uses pillows to masturbate.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
