If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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