brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
