By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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