my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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