Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
