im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
