Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The Olympian is in my bed
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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