just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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