you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
