She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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