I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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