The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
