dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
