Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
