Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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