You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
