i just snorted my name. best moment ever
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
