They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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