When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
