my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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