Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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