don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
