I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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