I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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