Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
what day is it and did you see me today?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Of course I have a pirate flag
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
