Your dad touched me again.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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