I wish my penis had an off switch
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
