I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
