i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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