your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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