Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
