There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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