We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
not ubering you a puppy
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
