Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
