I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
