remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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