barbara walters just said penis...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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