; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
