Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I touched a dick in church today
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
