just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
