There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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