last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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