Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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