I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
